Now, I know I have said in the past how much I hate the open to Smackdown… but the open to RAW is just as awful… just saying.
At the start of RAW we are treated to Stephanie McMahon in the ring. She tells us it is no secret that her father, Vince McMahon, is no fan of Daniel Bryan. She goes on to say everyone knows that her husband HHH is. So she asked Bryan to participate in a makeover and he agreed. The proceeding video montage was hysterical. It included Bryan getting a facial (get your mind out of the gutter people!!!) lifting weights and eating a steak… yes, Captain Vegan himself, eating a steak. (Bryan stopped being vegan months ago, but let’s just go with it). Bryan comes down decked out in a suit and a pony tail. Weird. Bryan says he thinks he looks good, but he knows he still isn’t what the company wants. He goes on to basically say he knows the company wants John Cena, not him. Bryan says the reason he will be able to beat Cena is because Cena is a WWE superstar and Daniel Bryan is a WRESTLER (funny story, Bryan is RIGHT). Bryan says that if Cena got fired today, he will go home to his mansion and his 20 cars, but if HE (Bryan) got fired today, he would show up in every bingo hall and armory because he loves WRESTLING. Bryan declares he is going to make Cena tap out.
Vince McMahon has heard enough and decides to make his way to the ring. Vince says he appreciated Bryan for trying, but his pants are too short and he should have a pink bow in his pony tail. Vince says part of him is warming up to Bryan because they have never had dwarf for a champion. He later refers to Bryan as a miniature Mick Foley (ouch). Vince says if Bryan really wants to be champ and wants Vince’s support, Bryan needs to shave his beard, right here, right now. Vince calls for, *shutter* the dreaded barber’s chair. Bryan makes his way to the chair. Vince calls down Wade Barrett to shave Bryan (don’t ask… just go with it…). Side note: I never understood why Bryan walked around looking like a billy goat to begin with, and with the Wyatt family around it kinda makes sense for him to change his look a bit. As I typed that, Bryan beat the crap out of Barrett and shaved off half his beard. Though funny, part of me thinks this whole thing is going to end with Barrett getting revenge by shaving Bryan at some point before Summer Slam. Stay tuned people...
Singles Match: World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio w/Ricardo vs. Rob Van Dam-
Oh look... for some reason the Miz is on commentary… note to self, mute the TV… end note to self. Anyway, RVD starts off hot, landing a big monkey flip out of the corner on Del Rio, and a springboard side kick. RVD transition right into a standing moonsault. After a pin attempt, RVD only gets a two count. Del Rio rolls out of the ring, but RVD hits an asai moonsault off the ring apron. After a short break, Del Rio is in control. RVD ducks and attack and hits a side kick on Del Rio. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Del Rio moves out of the way. Del Rio gets up and kicks RVD in the head. Del Rio tries to clothesline RVD but gets kicked in the head. RVD hits Rolling Thunder but Del Rio again kicks out. Ricardo sets that stupid bucket he carries in the corner. Del Rio tries to reverse an Irish whip, but RVD reverses it instead and sends Del Rio head first into the corner. RVD rolls up Del Rio for the win.
Rob Van Dam defeats Alberto Del Rio via pin fall.
'I must go to my home planet... Goodbye *Swoooooosh*!' source: www.wwe.com
After the match, Del Rio goes sick house on Ricardo. Del Rio concludes his assault by drop kicking Ricardo’s head in between the steel steps and ring post (Double Ouch!).
Cody Rhodes is in the ring. He has a gift for Damien Sandow. Cody has Sandow’s MITB briefcase, which is beat to hell and has seaweed in it. As soon as Sandow gets in the ring, Cody mauls him. Cody takes the contract out of the case and throws the empty case to Sandow.
Singles Match: Ryback vs. Mark Henry-
Not surprisingly, the match starts off with Henry manhandling Ryback. Ryback takes control after a chop block. Henry picks up Ryback for a powerslam, but Ryback wiggles off Henry’s shoulders. Henry then goes for the “Pimp Slap from Hell”, but Ryback rolls out of the ring. Ryback felt the wind from that spimp smack and decided he didn’t want any more of Henry. Cryback walks to the back causing a count out.
Mark Henry defeats Ryback via count out.
The Bella’s are in the back babbling about total divas… ok, I know they are supposed to be identical, but one of the twin’s boobs are crazy bigger than the others. I have no idea which is which, but the big boob Bella twin is now my favorite of the two. Oh and the red head from their show came up said something than Natty came in and smacked one of the Bellas, blah blah blah. Let’s talk more about that Bella’s boobs… what? I can’t? But I… *sigh*… Ok… I’ll drop it. *walks away sad with head down*
Cena comes down to the ring and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH CENA’S ELBOW!?!?!? It looks gross. Cena for some reason doesn’t address the fact that he has a freaking knot the size of a grapefruit in his elbow… ok I take that back, he does mention it. He goes on to say Bryan can glorify wrestling in an auditorium all he wants but the truth of the matter is that is where Bryan would rather be. Cena goes on to bash the indy wrestling scene some more. You know what? Everything Cena is saying is everything he said against The Rock so I don’t really feel the need to rehash it.
I am not sure what the hell Cena is trying to accomplish here, because he kinda sounds like a heel here. Maybe that’s what he was going for, who knows, but I’m a bit confused. Randy Orton’s music hits and Orton makes his way to the ring. Orton tells Cena it doesn’t matter who wins at Summer Slam because no matter what his MITB contract guarantees he will be the WWE champion. The Shield makes their way through the crowd and surrounds the ring. Daniel Bryan runs down and gets in the ring. Brad Maddox comes down and in true Teddy Long fashion, makes a six man tag match for the main event.
Tag Team Match: The Wyatt Family vs. Tons of Funk-
GEE, I WONDER WHO IS GOING TO WIN THIS MATCH?!?!?! I remember there was a time when Tensai or Sweet T or Prince Albert or John Cena’s Wookie (Youtube it) was running through everyone. The same could be said for Brodus as well. Not sure how the heck they fell so far. Anywho, Brodus gets hit with the pounce by one of the Wyatts and the other hits a splash for the win.
The Wyatt Family defeats Tons of Funk.
After the match, Bray hits his finisher on Brodus. Kane appears on the Titantron and challenges Bray to a match. Kane says something about a ring of fire… Inferno match? Maybe? It could also be a Johnny Cash album on a pole match? Also likely.
Backstage CM Punk is with Josh Matthews. Punk talks about how Curtis Axel is nothing like his father because he blindly follows Paul Heyman and his father would never do that.
Divas Singles Match: Kaitlyn vs. Layla-
Not for nothing, I like Layla. She is VERY easy on the eyes and that accent, MY LORD… but I am not expecting much from this match. Kaitlyn is on the attack and Layla tries to run away, which was hilarious. As Kaitlyn sets up for the Spear, AJ Lee comes down and distracts Kaitlyn long enough for Layla to hit her finisher, the Bombshell.
Layla defeats Kaitlyn via pin fall.
After the match, AJ and Layla skip around the ring. There is a Sonic boom heard throughout the world from the teenage boys who simultaneously slammed their doors and grabbed the lotion.
Singles Match: Christian vs. Heath “King of the Gingers” Slater w/3MB-
So the number one contender for the World Title (Christian) is facing the “Leader” of 3MB (Slater). I’ll give you three guesses how this match ended…
Christian defeats The Ginger King via shining a bright light on him.
Singles Match: CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel w/Paul Heyman-
Before the match starts, Punk makes his way up the ramp and goes right after Heyman. Heyman runs away. Axel and Punk begin to brawl outside the ring. Punk takes Axel down with a drop toe hold and rolls into an Indian deathlock. Haven’t seen one of those in a while. Punk Clotheslines Axel to the outside. While Axel is outside, Punk dives out of the ring and smashes Axels face in. After the commercial break, Axel is back in control. He is trying to fight out of a side headlock by Axel. Heyman comes back to ringside and berates Punk as he is on the mat. Punk hits a springboard crossbody on Axel. Punk rolls out of the ring and runs after Heyman, but Axel cuts him off at the pass and clotheslines Punk.
Axel gets caught up in the corner and eats a knee and gets bulldogged for his troubles. Punk goes up top for the big elbow, but Axel crotches him on the top. Punk falls, and gets hit with a swinging neck breaker. Axel picks up Punk, but Punk kicks Axel in the head. Axel falls like a sack of bricks. Punk dives through the ropes and grabs Heyman by the tie and pulls him in the ring. The ref calls for the bell.
CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel ends in a no contest.
Brock Lesnar’s music hits and he comes down to save Heyman. Punk and Lesnar go back in forth, but Lesnar end sup F-5ing Punk and wearing him out with a steal chair. Punk blind rage distracted him from the task at hand and he paid for it, dearly. I have to say, this match and the Bryan/Cena match have pretty much sold the PPV to me.
Backstage, Renee is with Heyman, Axel and Lesnar. Lesnar says he is the BEAST and the BEST in the world. He goes on to say, “Paul… Say something stupid” (HAHAHAHAHAHA). Heyman did exactly what Lesnar told him to; Heyman challenged Punk to a match next week on RAW. Yeah, THAT really just happened.
Singles Match: Fandango vs. KOFI KINGSTON!!!-
Kingston is back after a long break after he was “injured” by Ryback. I personally am a huge fan of Kingston, but he could use a gimmick transplant. Anyway, Kingston starts off hot. Kicking Fandango in the hip and hitting a high drop kick. Fandango gains control after throwing Kofi chest first into the turnbuckle. Fandango goes up top and misses a knee drop. Kingston hits a springboard clothesline and the Boom Drop on Fandango. Kofi eventually reverses an Irish whip by Fandango into Trouble in Paradise for the win.
Kofi Kingston defeated Fandango via pin fall.
'Mmmmm watcha saaaaay.... ' source: www.wwe.com
Is it me, or has Fandango put together a crazy string of losses.
Backstage Stephanie comes into HHH office crying. She says her father bit her head off about what happened earlier with Daniel Bryan. HHH says enough is enough. Vince has gone off the deep end and he will not allow him to bring this company down, or ruin Summer Slam. How does this NOT end with HHH vs. Vince at ‘Mania? Believe it or not, that match has the potential to be highly entertaining. See HBK vs. Vince or any Austin vs. Vince match ever.
Tag Match: The Real Americans vs. The Usos-
I would pay good money for someone to translate whatever the heck the Usos say during their entrance. Seems like something NFL teams should say before football games. Uso #1 starts off against Swagger (yes I still can’t tell them apart). Swagger slingshot Uso #1… or… Jey(?) into the corner directly into an uppercut by Cesaro. Swagger hits a Swagger bomb. Cesaro tags himself in and crushes Jey.. err Jimmy with a leap frog double foot stomp. Swagger taunts Jey and ends up eating a spin kick. Jimmy finally gets the tag. He goes sick house on the ‘Americans. Cesaro dives off the top, but gets met with a side kick. Swagger cheap shots Jimmy from the outside and Cesaro hits the Gotch Neutralizer on Jimmy for the win.
The Real Americans defeated The Usos via pin fall.
Singles match: Dolph Ziggler vs. Big E. Langston w/ AJ Lee-
Ziggler drop kicks Langston’s teeth down his throat. Langston recovers and picks Ziggler up for a military press, but Ziggler wiggles out. Ziggler ends up on the apron, but Langston clotheslines Ziggler’s teeth down his throat. A lot of teeth being lost today… Somewhere Dr. Isaac Yankem’s eye are rolling in the back of his head in ecstasy.
Langston picks up Ziggler and drops him across his knee. Ziggler rolls out of the ring. AJ starts walking towards him. Kaitlyn walks briskly to the ring. AJ attacks her and they end up in the ring. Ziggler attempts to break up the cat fight, but gets run over by Langston. After the Big Ending, Ziggler goes down for the count.
Big E. Langston defeated Dolph Ziggler via pin fall.
Main Event Six Man Tag Team Match: Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton and John Cena vs. The Shield-
Orton starts off with Rollins. Guess what? THEY END UP TRADING PUNCHES IN THE CORNER!!! I swear every Orton match starts of that way. Orton suplexes Rollins and tags in Bryan. Bryan drop kicks Rollins and Rollins flies all the way to his corner. Ambrose tags in and gets clotheslined by Bryan. Ambrose ends up on the outside. Bryan sets up for his running knee off the apron but gets kicked off by Rollins. The Shield takes turns beating up on Bryan. Bryan gets to the corner and tags in Cena, but the ref doesn’t see it (haven’t seen that bit in a long time. Maybe because of the lack of quality tag team matches as of late). The ref gets Cena out of the ring. Rollins rolls up Bryan from behind, but Bryan rolls through and slaps on the YES! Lock. Ambrose and Reigns hit the ring and attack Bryan. The ref calls for the bell.
'I guess Orton doesn't want to welcome Jesus Christ as his lord in savior...' source: www.wwe.com
Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton, and John Cena defeat The Shield via DQ.
After the match the faces clear the ring. While Bryan’s back is turned, Orton comes up behind him and hits him with an RKO. The Shield comes back for more but Cena and Orton fight them off. Once the ring is cleared again, Orton RKO’s CENA! Orton grabs the MITB briefcase to cash it in. The Shield comes back once again, which causes Orton to think twice about cashing in right now. Orton makes his way up the ramp as The Shield dismantles Bryan in the ring. This makes perfect sense. Orton would be a fool help either Bryan or Cena. Part of me is starting to think the WWE title will be changing hands twice at Summer Slam. Stay tuned.