The most remarkable thing, for me, about Stewart Regan's catastrophic tenure as the chief executive of the Scottish Football Association is that he's managed to make it this far, and last this long, whilst completely lacking any discernible spinal column. I can only surmise that he leaves the coat hangers inside all his coats and shirts just to enable him to assume an upright position.
The man has been a spineless, useless, clueless, bumbling, stuttering excuse for a chief executive of our governing body since the day he first arrived at the Hampden school for performing clowns and dark arts in July 2010. He clearly bottled the 'Dougie, Dougie' farce – a farce which should have seen Hugh Dallas' conspiring head roll, there and then. Regan's spinelessness over that shameful episode then led directly to the men who masquerade as Referees in this country going on strike.
The 'strike', incidentally, was only called because referees were absolutely outraged that their long-standing - SFA sanctioned - anti-Celtic agenda had finally been exposed before the eyes and ears of sports fans across the world. Needless to say, the Regan rolled over on that one too, although he happily allowed George Peat (then President of the SFA) to portray Celtic as being the bad guys and the cause of those poor bitter referees having to take strike action.
That the 'spite-strike' was nothing more than a wilful act of pure rage was wonderfully highlighted and exposed when neither the men-in-black themselves nor any of their vacuous spokespeople could even begin to explain exactly why they were actually going on strike. Who knows, maybe they wanted parity of esteem?
No. Cowardly, snivelling referees and match officials, ably backed by a discredited FA - through bitter balloons such as George Peat and Campbell Ogilvie - brought the Scottish game into disrepute by their shameless actions after being caught red handed trying to cheat and lie and conspire their way out of a totally innocuous non-penalty decision which just happened to involve Celtic.
Forget the later Dallas-gate fiasco, which eventually saw Hugh Dallas lose his job over a crass, bigoted, email, because had Regan been in possession of a spine he would have handed Dallas his jotters for the major role he played in that earlier 'Dougie-Dougie' conspiracy. That was Regan's first real test and, not only did he fail it in spectacular fashion, he actually managed to exacerbate things and allowed his weakness to then be exploited by a refereeing fraternity which had, at that point, been fatally holed below the water line.
As sure as Succulent lamb is followed by a big helping of dignity pudding, the rats in the Scottish media; press, tv and radio, tried their level best to whip up an anti-Celtic frenzy – although when the laptop loyal close ranks and begin their squealing and squawking the collective term to accurately describe them is; Hurricane Hurting-Fanny.
Now, whilst this may be old news I am using it to demonstrate Stewart Regan's previous spineless behaviour in his position as Chief Executive of the SFA. By simply looking at his previous record when faced with a major dilemma or problem, it was not really too difficult to predict how he would react when faced with similar problems in the future. And, his every action and utterance and act of procrastination since the club formerly known as Rangers slithered into its grave has only underlined his penchant for spineless incompetence and his complete inability to grasp at the last straw of reality left in the box.
The man has no redeeming features. None. He's barely literate or comprehensible in print and manages to limbo dance his way under the bar marked; stuttering, inarticulate and gormless when attempting to speak on camera or into a microphone. He squirmed like a worm on a hook when Channel 4's Alex Thomson asked him a few straightforward questions during an interview earlier this year. Mr Thomson had this fools card marked from the beginning, and he was not alone. He was far from alone...
But hey, if you don't like Regan's opinion, or, more likely, you can't understand what his opinion actually is on any given subject or question that is put to him, then just hang around for a bit, because he'll soon flip-flop and pretend he actually held a differing and contradictory opinion all along. Honest guv. Either that or he'll tell you that it was actually everyone else who picked him up wrongly and that he is really just a misunderstood captain of industry. Perhaps the biggest indictment against Regan is that he manages to make the SPL's equally repugnant Neil Doncaster appear positively statesman like by comparison. A minor miracle in itself.
Seriously, is there a factory somewhere in England where they churn out detestable trumpets like Regan, Doncaster and Green? Perhaps there are three English village councils currently offering rewards for the safe return of their village idiots? Although I'll wager the villagers themselves will be offering even larger rewards for them not to be returned.
Embarrassment and ridicule, in equal measure, follow Regan around like a circus clown with a stink bomb stuck to the sole of one of his big clown shoes. Yet his complete lack of self-awareness combined with a staggering level of arrogance and self-importance has him believing that he's actually done a good job and that he should also be allowed to continue with his 'great work'. Which, quite frankly, is a self-deluding bag of bollocks.
His inherent weakness, indecision, deflection, procrastination and general roll-over-ability was patently self-evident long before he launched his own personal save-the-gers campaign - a campaign which itself consisted entirely of lies, intimidation, scare tactics, exaggeration and blatant deceit. Heck, even when the dregs of the Sevco Zombies ( McCoist, Green, Murray, Jardine and Brown ) were systematically taking it in turns to stick two fingers up at him and spit directly in his face, Regan's spineless nature meant that he just kept backing off and allowed these Sevco cowards to repeatedly undermine him, and his plans to 'save' them, at every turn. Talk about the Ungrateful Dead?
Lets not forget that the only reason Regan is still in office is down to Rangers shareholder and SFL president Jim Ballantyne blocking a move by the chairmen of the SFL clubs to hold a vote of no-confidence in him.
The thing is, this isn't a nightmare where the dreamer is perpetually stuck inside The Eagles song Hotel California - this beast CAN be killed. In fact, this particular beast should have been killed off - for good - at the end of last season. The Zombie beast in question hasn't been given so much as a minor flesh wound far less been stabbed repeatedly with steely knives from the SFA staff canteen. Although I hear Campbell Ogilvie ordered that all the steely knives be removed and placed in the bottom drawer of his desk for safe-keeping.
The bottom line at the big Hampden hoose is that all of this – absolutely all of it – is the direct fault of the spineless Stewart Regan. Had Regan simply applied the SFA's own rules – without fear or favour, as he said he would – Sevco and Green's deal would never have happened, or if it had still gone ahead they would now be plying their trade in one of Scotland's junior leagues. Just like any other new club with absolutely no history and no accounts for the previous three year qualifying period would have been forced to do.
Campbell Ogilvie – he of EBT and apartheid signing policy fame during his time at the football club formerly known as Rangers - still being allowed to hold the position of, and also collect the salary of, president of the Scottish Football Association, and all with Chief Exec Regan's full backing and conspiratorial blessing.
Sevco, an entirely new company and football club, being given an unprecedented temporary licence that they were neither eligible nor fit to be granted. Don't be shy. Step forward, Stewart.
Sevco being allowed to transfer the membership of a liquidated company and football club to an entirely new company and football club - against every rule and article of association, not to mention common bloody decency. Yes, it's multiple award winner Regan taking yet another gong.
A transfer embargo that was staggeringly then un embargoed so that Sevco ( who had, and still do have, outstanding football debts both at home and abroad ) could give unsustainable contracts and wages to a bunch of new players. Our Stewart is a real card. Isn't he?
Honest football clubs who play by all the rules and pay both their debts and taxes being bent over and shafted by both the liquidated club and then by the entirely new club – all dreamed up, supervised and then signed off by Hampden's very own rubber man himself, Stewart Regan.
All actions and punishments against the Liquidated Rangers, and misconduct charges against McCoist, Green etc. being conveniently put into some kind of SFA suspended animation, as well as Sevco being able to do and say and get away with anything with total impunity. Okay, there must be two Stewart Regan's, because even I am doubtful that one man could have created such an unmitigated cluster-feck of this scale and scope.
Stewart Regan has single handedly subverted and perverted Scottish Football whilst simultaneously blowing bubbles up the collective bums of every club and football supporter in this country. The biggest problem for him is that he fooled absolutely no-one. Unless you count his own reflection.
However, what Regan and Ogilvie really have to worry about is the desperate, flailing arms of David Murray, because that man knows where each and every skeleton is buried and he will take everyone and anyone who was involved in the EBT scam ( amongst other things) down with him.
And the SFA have had a long list of “everyone's” and “anyone's” in their direct employment over the years. Oh Noes...