Which Open NFL Coaching Job Is The Best?

With the ax swinging left and right, which team is the best one to lead at this moment? A humorous look at the grand situation.

Which Open NFL Coaching Job Is The Best?
Which Job Is Most Appeasing?

Silly and irrelevant question, isn’t it? Kind of like asking “Who was the smartest of all the guys who failed the class?”  But, we will hear a lot of this from the talking heads in the media and those frustrated yet self-important bloggers (ouch, that one hit home a little) who will try to tell us what to think over the next couple of weeks until the current openings in Washington, Cleveland, Detroit, and Minnesota, are filled.

It’s an interesting question, though. Comparing jobs is for us as fans, not the men who might fill these positions. Most potential head coaches would coach anywhere they received an offer. There are only 32 of these jobs in the world, people...and I hear they pay pretty well.

My official position is: Yes, it’s a useless exercise but, what the heck, why not compare the jobs? It’s fun! So, that’s exactly what the writer of this article is going to do. These are listed in no particular order.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS: What’s not to love about this job for the next coach? Franchise quarterback who will only be going into his third year and previous coach had foresight to rest him for offseason conditioning. The owner is willing to spend, or do, whatever it takes to win, bringing fantasy football to life. Team coming out of salary cap hell and will be able to spend on costless agents, with few draft picks to potentially waste assets on. Only one year removed from division title. Ethnically insensitive nickname guarantees unwavering support of most looked cable news network.

CLEVELAND BROWNS: What’s not to love about this job for the next coach? Passionate and well-dressed fan base. Generous owner is willing to give almost one calendar year to build consistent winner. Ownership is willing to make controversial moves. 10 picks in the upcoming draft. Elite level left tackle, center, and wide receiver. John Elway looks like he’ll stay retired. Good vantage point to look Terry Francona possibly lead a Cleveland team to first major sports championship since 1964. No matter what happens, will never be as reviled as native son LeBron James. Just might get to meet franchise icon Jim Brown, the greatest football player of all time. Only known place to work every day with a man named Barkevious.

DETROIT LIONS: What’s not to love about this job for the next coach? Home grown music played on loud speakers during games second to none. Foreign country nearby for quick escape if necessary, like franchise’s greatest living former player. Inherit a spirited and talented bunch of players who know how to win in September and October. No matter how bad you might fail, it can’t be worse than fan base has already seen. Guaranteed to be at home every Thanksgiving and off most weekends in early January.  Current ownership assumed full control in 1962, waited 31 years for 1st playoff victory and has been waiting 20 years for the next one, so the bosses are patient. One expenses paid weekend trip to Chicago for each year of employment. Only going .500 during tenure would be best coaching record for team in more than 40 years.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS: What’s not to love about this job for the next coach? Team move from the Metrodome to an outdoor facility next season will give team decided advantage in the arctic Minnesota winters you will soon be accustomed to and grow to love. More than half of the quarterbacks on roster last season actually knew the plays.  Best player grew up in Texas which should make things easier if franchise decides to do another historic trade with the Dallas Cowboys. Nice blend of experienced and young downfield receiving threats that may go uncovered by opponents since you’ve got no one to get them the ball. One expenses paid weekend trip to Chicago for each year of employment. With team moving outdoors, the sound from the horn of league’s coolest mascot won’t be nearly as loud. Just might get to meet franchise icon Bud Grant, perhaps the best athlete/coach combination of all time.

OK, I’ll admit that some of this was written tongue in cheek, but hopefully this has made the point through humor. Just in case I didn’t, here it is again: For a coach who is ready to win, every job in the NFL is attractive, and the job he gets is, by definition, the best one for him.