Last night, many of us sat down to watch an enticing Round of 16 game in the 2024 UEFA European Championship.
However, an unexpected turn of events led us to witness the Cristiano Ronaldo show instead.
If you are a fan of soap-level drama and local panto acting, this would have been perfect for you, as the Portugal captain delivered both in abundance.
From early on, it became clear that we would all have to watch one man wrestle with his own mortality and legacy throughout the game.
It borderline became a post-modern art piece on the acceptance of time and ageing.
An article like this does not dispel Ronaldo from indulging in these antics; it pours more fuel on the fire and probably encourages the Madeira native to continue them.
But still, it is necessary to acknowledge and criticise some of Portugal's leading goalscorer's sycophantic antics.
So what exactly happened last night, and why is it such a bad thing for Roberto Martínez's side?
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Get it in the mixer!
When we first met Ronaldo, he was the lanky, gap-toothed, twinkly-eyed winger with nothing but a dream.
Over time, we have seen many iterations of the five-time Ballon d'Or winner.
We had the step-over-obsessed teenager in his early days at Manchester United, who evolved into a domineering winger with pace and strength who frightened full-backs up and down England for three years.
When he went to Real Madrid, he became the all-singer and all-dancing star who could do anything. He could play on the wing, in the middle, or even drop deep and make things happen that way.
When Ronaldo left Madrid and went to Juventus, he acknowledged - without ever saying the words - that he was no longer the tippy-toed winger or even the overpowering centre forward he was in Spain.
He had to change to further his career at the top level. So what did he do?
Well, he effectively became a slightly more handsome Kevin Davies.
The uninitiated amongst you may not know who Kevin Davies is. Just picture your classic late 90s-early 2000s British forward in your head. Got it?
He often lurks around the opposition penalty area, demanding his teammates put the ball into the box.
His main form of attack is staying in one place and using his elbows and knees when competing for the ball, like a classic British centre forward.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this; it is perfectly normal. Footballing careers have arcs, and change is necessary; Ronaldo has done well in that regard.
The issue with this is when he plays for the national side, the other players in the team are not designed to be the Stelios Giannakopoulos to his Kevin Davies.
Portugal have a wide array of awe-inspiring talent; some of the best players on planet Earth.
Yet they are forced to lump it into the 18-yard box for the benefit of one player. It is absolutely astounding that a top-level football team is playing to the wishes and ego of one player.
Rafael Leão, Bernardo Silva, and Bruno Fernandes are all stunning players, some of the world's best. And even they have to put the ball into the box for their venerable leader.
Their performance against Slovenia had the atmosphere of a charity match, where everyone tried to get one person to score so the crowd could cheer.
Bemusing.
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Free kick - missed; Free kick - missed
The neutral begins to purr when the Portuguese win a free-kick in a dangerous position.
My oh my, who could take this?
Could it be Bruno? Could it be Silva? Could it be Vitinha?
No.
It was only ever going to be one man. Can you guess who?
If the set-piece was in shooting range, you can bet your bottom dollar that Ronaldo wanted it.
Fun fact: after last night's game, Ronaldo has taken 60 free kicks at major international tournaments.
How many has he scored? One.
Even in positions where the free kick was tailor-made for Fernandes, Ronaldo nabbed it.
There was one baffling effort from an unbelievably tight angle, which was nigh-on impossible to score from.
Yet, he still went through the motions of kissing the ball, placing it down, doing his dramatic stride backwards, and taking a deep breath before delivering a horrible free kick that would not have gone in had the goal been triple its size.
What must be going through the heads of his compatriots as they wait in the box for a cross to be delivered, only to see their captain smash it all the way back to Lisbon?
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The theatrics
Earlier, low-level acting and drama were mentioned.
Ronaldo indulged in the art like no one had indulged before.
Every missed effort on goal saw him look up at the heavens and scream in anguish, like a scene from The Shawshank Redemption.
It was understandable after the first few efforts, but those antics wore thin after seeing them for an eighth time.
His desire to score and break records are traits that have made him such a colossus in the sport.
But honestly, this looks like a tribute act to the man we once knew.
We're in the period of the tournament where there is no time for one player to demand the spotlight.
It feels as though as his ability lessens, the theatrics have been amped up to compensate.
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What now, Mr.Martínez?
About 70 minutes into the game against Slovenia, Portugal looked well and truly out of ideas.
Nothing was working, and they were lacking a certain dynamism.
The straightforward substitution was to bring Ronaldo off for either Gonçalo Ramos or João Félix.
It would have given Portugal another avenue of attack and given the Slovenian defence something different to think about.
Instead, Roberto Martínez persisted with his number seven to the detriment of his team.
Martínez will have a lot to think about between now and Friday when his side takes on France in Hamburg.
They can not allow themselves to get caught up in Cristiano Ronaldo's vortex again, and he must prioritise the team and the country.
Ronaldo would be a superb option off the bench if his side were losing with 15 minutes to go. That would be the perfect time for Portugal to pull out their Stoke City tribute act.
But if he were to start against the French, William Saliba and Dayot Upamecano would have no issue doing as the Slovenia's did.
That is, marking him out of the game and letting him go down his rabbit hole of madness.
Félix has his critics, but in a game against the French where Portugal will need to be quick on the counter, he would be a superb choice to start.
It was perplexing that he did not see a single minute in Frankfurt.
Diogo Jota would be another option. He would be a fantastic addition to the starting line-up. The Liverpool forward looked lively when he came on and his direct run into the box won his side a penalty.
Roberto Martínez has one of the most significant decisions of his career to make on Friday. Do you think he will make the right one?
